She didn’t feel love at first sight for her daughter

“I was planning a life without kids and I was ready for the possibility of regretting it later. I don’t believe in this social convention that all women must become mothers. A woman can achieve fulfillment in so many ways. In fact, before my pregnancy I was very happy, fulfilled and in peace with my decision. I didn’t miss anything in life.

‘I didn’t desire a kid’

So when I found out that I was pregnant, my reaction was terrible. It was as if my life was collapsing. ‘Oh my god, what will I do?’ I thought. I was desperate and upset at the same time. I didn’t even cry for my father’s death and I cried a whole week because of this pregnancy. Why did I react this way? Well, it was not my choice and I couldn’t accept it. I confess: I didn’t desire a kid! I was not that pregnant woman who is excited to feel the kick of the baby inside her. One could tell my indifference announcing this pregnancy. I wasn’t even that thrilled when I gave birth. There was no love at first sight for me. My reaction was ‘So that was all inside me?’ And let’s not talk about nursing – it was a torture! It hurt a lot due to an infection on my nipples and the uterus contractions. I could not understand why they told me that it would be one the most beautiful experiences I would have as mother.

‘It is a type of love that you cannot compare with others’

So the love for my daughter came…slowly. It grew day after day, one day more intense than the former. Now I can’t describe what I feel for her. It is a visceral feeling, a very deep connection. It is a type of love that you cannot compare with others, not with love you feel for your parents, nor the romantic love you have for your partner. It is different and incredible. She is mine, like a part of my body. If she gets hurt, is as if I get hurt too.

Something unexpected was the first week of my daughter’s arrival, I couldn’t remember how my life was before her. It was as if she had always been here with us. Really! Having her with me seemed so easy that I was constantly wondering ‘How did I do all of this without her?’ Being a mother became natural.

‘I couldn’t remember how my life was before her’

I don’t know if she has changed me as a woman or if my life has changed at all. I do exactly what I used to. There were moments during my pregnancy when I wondered about the impact of a kid to my freedom. Can I leave my town? Can I travel like before? Can’t I do everything I did before with her? There are so many people who move with their kids, either with a stroller or a carrier. Who said I can’t do something because I have a daughter? Is having a kid a disease that prevents you to do what you want? If I feel sad or frustrated for not doing something because of my kid, I won’t be leaving her a good legacy. Perhaps it will take four hours instead of two, but I still do it. My daughter follows me everywhere. The first time we went out together she was only 5 days old and I was in pain because of the stitches. I took her to work when she was 20 days old, and on her 5th month we travelled all over the south of Italy.

I have already thought about a couple trips I want to do with her when she grows older. I want to be the first one taking her to those places. She shouldn’t travel for the first time on her twenties. I want her to be used it so she is prepared for when she will go alone. She must know that she lives in a wonderful world that can also be very cruel. I want her to be able to come home, from anywhere, without problems. Only that matters to me. Everything else it is her business.”

Read the Spanish version at Mom Reinvented